Friday, April 09, 2010

Game over

The IVF didn't work. Me and the Dr can't have our own kids.

It's not unexpected - the odds were always stacked against us - but it's still a cricket bat in the face. And it's also weirdly a relief. This cycle has been really, really tough. With building work at King's, we were being seen by two hospitals and there were delays and hold-ups and confusion. Can't help picking over every detail - would we have done better if we'd been in one place, if we'd not had to ferry eggs across town by taxi, if they'd not kept the Dr on the drugs two weeks longer than expected... At the very least these things didn't help (and often they felt cruel). But the bottom line is that the drugs didn't have the effect that we hoped for.

We're not going to try it again. The Dr doesn't respond well enough to the drugs, and the side effects are harrowing just to watch. We vowed before this cycle that we'd only continue if we saw an improvement on last time and we ended up doing worse.

So, game over. After nearly five years of tests and procedures, we have come to the end.

We've both been working, trying to keep ourselves busy and not to collapse on what this all means. Am finding it hard to care about rewrites and pitching. Went to a workshop on "pervasive media" yesterday and was okay until the bar bit at the end where I found I'd lost all powers of small-talk.

Instead we went out with a couple of other, barren friends and reintroduced the Dr to wine. Then I took her for a meal where she could glut on sea-food, which has also been off the menu for months. Good long chat about what we do next. For the first time in a year we can plan trips away together. (Going to be in Glasgow next week, and then there's Malta and maybe France and, we hope, America...)

Still not really up to seeing large groups of people. Still likely to cancel engagements at the last minute. And still closer now than we've ever been. Both feeling old and hollow and such loss.

But onwards. A summer of doing things and drinking. And then we try for adoption.

20 comments:

Paul Hiscock said...

Sorry to hear this. Nothing more that one can say really. My thoughts are with you.

Lucy V said...

No words are adequate of course, but gutted for you both. So, so sorry. So glad you're still close as ever though and best of luck with your adoption plans xx

Jonah Ringban said...

Very sorry to read this. Thoughts are with you both.

Dairylee said...

So sorry to read this - but can't help thinking how lucky the one who's adopted by you guys is gonna be xx

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear this, but no matter what the odds are, no matter what the doctor tells you, forget the IVF and (pardon the blatancy) keep doing it.

Ive had friends who have tried for years, IVF - all of it, but in the end they stopped trying, forgot about it, and within a year discovered they were pregnant.

Keep trying, and continue enjoying your life, and it will happen in the end.

redscharlach said...

Hugs to both of you. The chocolate biscuits are on me.

Piers said...

*hug*

FRANK said...

Sad to hear this. Good luck with putting all your energies into adoption.

A bit strange that I'm on here as a more or less a total stranger to you but I just wanted to say that I was thinking of you.

Endo2005 said...

Words fail me... Such a devestating blow, although so pleased you are looking at other ways to make your family whole... love to you both...

Mondy said...

Mate... that's awful news. Jules and I are thinking of you both and sending you our heartfelt love.

:(

Mondy

Brackers said...

Big hugs to the both of you, and best of luck with your future plans x

chas_m said...

Sorry to hear of your disappointment, but I hope you will continue to revel in each other until such time as you can adopt.

I myself was an adopted child and through thick and thin I have always been grateful that there were people out there willing to take on a child in that manner. It takes very special people, and I'm sure you'll qualify. Best wishes.

Skip said...

just very sorry.

jmswallow said...

Sorry to hear about this. Chin up.

Una McCormack said...

So sorry, Simon. Love to you both.

bZirk said...

I echo Frank's thought that we're strangers, but I still wanted to say I'm sorry you've had to endure this.

0tralala said...

Thanks everyone, much appreciated.

Womble said...

Found my way here from badscience. Your post there was a million times more eloquent than anything I could say. I hope wherever you end up it works for both of you. For what its worth , we hit this point nearly 8 years ago and your third to last paragraph is still how I feel. Hunny bunny once said that she couldn't work out whether she was dealing with it or just pretending to deal with it - me - I don't think there's any difference

0tralala said...

Cheers, Womble. Keep meaning to write something about the longer term fall-out. Not quite sure I know what to say yet.

cass_m said...

Came over via Bad Science. We went through IVF in the mid '90s then later decided not to adopt. There was one implantation that failed but it was strange overall to be so focused on a part of life that people don't think much about. Talk about feeling one dimensional. It took awhile to be honestly happy when friends had kids rather mouthing the words while being mildly jealous. I hope by now you are well on your way to resuming regular programing.