Saturday, October 13, 2007

Reduced Droo

The following nonsense was first performed before a live audience of Doctor Who fans in Winchester in July 2002. The Dr played the lady parts, and me, Nimbos and N. played everything else.

I have thoughts of doing a New Series one. If just to do Eccles's mad-wave "Hellooo!"
The Entire History of Dr Who...
in Six Minutes


COMPANION 1:
That girl Susan’s an oddball.

COMPANION 2:
She borrows my books.

COMPANION 1:
Let’s follow her home. Barbara! This police box is alive.

ENTER DR WHO, GRIPPING HIS LAPELS.

DR WHO:
What do you want, hmm?

COMPANION 1:
Excuse me, Dr Who...

DR WHO:
That’s not my name, Chatterton. This is the TARDIS. It’s like television. It doesn’t have wheels. You’re coming with me.

COMPANION 2:
I don’t know why, but I believe you.

DR WHO:
The ship still looks like a police box. That’s not right. Once it looked like a chair. I’m off for a smoke.

CAVEMAN:
Ug. Fire.

DR WHO:
Back to the ship! I’m giving up smoking. It gets me in trouble.

COMPANION 1:
Where are we? All the trees are dead. Can we stay in the ship?

DR WHO:
No, I’ve broken it and we need new mercury.

DALEK:
EXTERMINATE!

COMPANION 1:
My legs!

DALEK:
GIVE US YOUR DRUGS!

DR WHO:
Break their computer!

DALEK:
THIS... IS THE END... OF THE DAAAAAAAAAAALEKS.

DR WHO:
Susan, put those scissors down.

MARCO POLO:
Hello Dr Who, I’m Marco Polo. I don’t exist in the archives, but I’m really good.

YARTEK:
Hello Dr Who, I’m Yartek – Leader Of The Alien Voord. I do exist in the archives, and I’m rubbish.

DR WHO:
I should say there’s a pattern here.

TLOTXL:
Hello Dr Who, I’m Tlotxl, Aztec gentleman and –

DR WHO:
I don’t want to know.

TLOTXL:
But –

DR WHO:
Not one line.

COMPANION:
Doctor, I think you’ve got us home!

DALEK (swimming):
WE ARE THE MASTERS OF EARTH!

DR WHO:
Masters of Earth? You poor, pathetic creatures – we must dare to stop you! Oh, and Susan?

SUSAN:
Yes grandfather?

DR WHO:
I shall come back for The Five Doctors. See you.

PURVES:
Hello Dr Who, I’m Peter Purves, pilot of the future.

DR WHO:
You don’t look like you’re from the future in that sweater, m’boy!

PURVES:
I have a Panda called Hi-fi.

DR WHO:
So you do. Happy Christmas.

DALEK:
PLEASE CAN WE HAVE OUR TARANIUM CORE BACK PLEASE MISTER?

PURVES:
They’ve killed the new girls!

DR WHO:
Call that a masterplan? It’s not very clever at all, just The Chase for twice as long!

DALEK:
THIS... IS THE END... OF THE DAAAAAAAAAAALEKS.

CYBERMAN (with sing song voice):
Hello Dr Who. I am Krang of the Cybermen. We will move our planet near your planet and take over your planet with our planet.

[Beat]

Oh. Our planet being near your planet has destroyed our planet. Not that I care.

DR WHO:
I’m feeling tired and moody and... and...

THE NEW DR WHO TAKES HIS PLACE.

NEW DR WHO:
... and I want to play the recorder!

POLLY:
But Ben! That’s not Dr Who!

DALEK:
HELLO DR WHO. EXTERMINATE.

POLLY:
Oh, well if the Daleks recognise him.

DR WHO:
Oh my giddy aunt. My trousers are shrinking and I’ve lost my hat.

THE DALEK ADVANCES.

DR WHO (with JAMIE hiding behind him): Don’t worry Jamie, it’s all done with mirrors.

JAMIE:
Have some Jamie Factor, laddie!

DALEK:
OCH! THIS... IS THE END... OF THE DAAAAAAAAAAALEKS.

DR WHO:
Look out Jamie! Monsters for weeks and weeks!

TIME LORD:
Dr Who! What have you been up to?

DR WHO:
Oh no! My people! Um... well...

TIME LORD:
Don’t try to wriggle out of it – we’ve got quite a lot of video clips.

DR WHO:
I’ve battled the most terrible monsters. The Daleks! The Cybermen! And... and... the Quarks!

TIME LORD:
You’ve been very naughty. So we’re going to exile you to Earth during the early, experimental years of Colour Separation Overlay.

DR WHO:
You utter shits! Nooooooooo....

THE NEW DR WHO TAKES HIS PLACE, FALLS OVER.

BRIGADIER:
I say old man, you’re not the Dr Who I know!

DR WHO:
Shoes.

BRIGADIER:
How about a job as my scientific advisor?

JO GRANT:
Can I have a job too? I did general science at A level.

MASTER:
You will obey me.

JO GRANT:
I won’t! I won’t! And I’m marrying my boyfriend!

DR WHO:
Jehosophat, Brigadier. Captain Yates has been up to something despicable behind our backs!

BRIGADIER:
He can’t be all bent - he said about the spiders.

DR WHO:
Spiders? I’m scared to death of them.

BRIGADIER:
Here we go again.

THE NEW DR WHO HAS MAD EYES.

BRIGADIER:
You all right, Doctor?

DR WHO:
What?!? Of course!?! Feck!?! Girls!?! Wires! Little leather costumes!?! Dog!

K9: Affirmative, master.

DR WHO (morosely):
Actually. Now I’ve had Romana, I might just... let go. (Gestures as per Logopolis).

NEW DR WHO (tossing hair, looking pretty):
Hmmm. Adric’s died and it’s all my fault. I’m a bit blond, me.

THE FIRST DR WHO:
Goodness me! So there are five of me now!

PERI (acting with breasts):
Dark-ter! Turlough rescued me from drowning, and now I’m covered in this horrid sticky stuff!

DR WHO:
Hold tight, Peri, and swallow my milk. Gosh, none left for me. Is this death? Adric!

PERI:
Dark-ter – you’ve changed. Ezz sarm-then rarng?

NEW DR WHO:
Sacked? Sacked?? SACKED??!?

A NEW DR WHO TAKES HIS PLACE.

DALEK:
DOCTOR! A NEW APPEARANCE!

DR WHO (now all moody):
So, you’ve conquered stairs. You better have the Hand of Omega. Bwah ha ha!

DALEK:
WE DESTROYED OUR PLANET! THIS... IS THE END... OF THE DAAAAAAAAAAALEKS.

ACE (cockernee):
‘Ere Professor, I ain’t a little girl no more.

DR WHO:
You’re shit, ah. No, I lied. Come on Hace, we’ve got work to do. Oh no! I’ve been shot!

NEW DR WHO:
Puccini!

[He turns on GRACE.]

You stuck your tube in me. Now it’s my turn…

1 comment:

Leslie said...

Tee hee! Would love to see that performed and definitely add the new guys!